Back To Reality

I am sure most of you have heard the phrase, “I got the case of the Mondays.”  Well today Monday June 28th was a pretty awful Monday.  There are many factors that contributed to this awful Monday that I will explain.  The past week and a half I have been on a nice vacation.  It started with Annie and I going to four shows in a row.  First, was Railroad Earth on the boat cruise around Manhattan.  Then followed by three Phish shows, one in Hartford and two in SPAC.  I won’t talk about RRE here because I think most of you know how I feel about that band.  All you have to know is that I was on a boat with RRE.  It was great to see Phish again.  It has been a year since I have seen them.  The great thing about Phish these days is that Trey and the boys look extremely happy on stage.  Trey is talking to the crowd and has a huge smile on his face.  It is truly amazing to see them like this again.  Highlights from this run are the Tweezer and the entire encore from Hartford.  The Makisupa Policemen till the end of the set and encore on the second night of SPAC.  It really shows how much fun Trey is having.  Now, during this run Annie and I met up with a bunch of other Siena Alumni and of course pictures were being taken.  My friend Jen wanted to take a picture and I bitched and moaned a little bit.  Half of my face does not work because the facial nerve was cut during the surgery many months ago.  I guess you can say I am pretty self-conscious about it.  I look in the mirror and I don’t really notice any difference, but in pictures it sticks out like a sore thumb.  I constantly feel that part of my face not moving, so I am always aware of it.  Anyway, the next day Jen talked to me about if she offended my about taking pictures and of course it doesn’t, but I am just self-aware of it now, so I would rather not be in a pic.  Jen said the best thing.  “To me, your just old Matt Sayles, not Matt Sayles with cancer.”  I really appreciated that Jen.  It made me realize what you all think.

After the shows, Annie, I, and the whole family went down to Disney World.  This was the true vacation.  I could forget about the cancer and just relax and have fun.  Well, I never actually forget about the cancer, but it did not bother me down there.  I wasn’t thinking about my next doctors appointment or what is going to happen next.  One of the craziest things about this cancer is that I feel fine, but I still have it.  I was walking around all over Disney World back and forth from ride after ride.  I still have energy to do things.  I don’t feel like I have cancer.  The only thing physical thing that reminds me of it is my half working face.  Well anyway, it was a great trip.  I got to see my cousins Shannon, Katie, and Stephen.  (I will make a trip down there soon).  Overall, Disney World was awesome and I had a great trip.

Monday!  Back to reality.  I got up early to go to work.  I first stopped at the chiropractor which was much needed since I have had a week and half off.  It felt real good to be adjusted and I felt like a new man.  I got to work and work was good.  The one good thing about starting work is that I am not sitting around doing nothing at my house.  I am doing something else and takes my mind off of the cancer.  The one thing that I am having trouble grasping is that I feel like I am back in 3rd grade.  I am being told what to eat and I am taking all these vitamins and nutrients to fight the cancer.  I love my mom and I don’t know where I would be right now without her.  She has been one of the few that has kept me going through this.  But whenever I am home she is shoving all this shit down my throat and I feel like a 3rd grader.  I know that all this stuff is going to help me and fight the cancer, but it is so frustrating that I am 25 years old and supposed to be working and making my own decisions and this is where I am in life.  I feel like I am going backwards and it is never going to end.  I still look in the mirror and say to myself that I cannot believe that I have cancer.  Well, anyway, I came home after work and I had to drink these drinks and do all these things.  I got depressed at home because it is the first day back to reality.  I have cancer and it isn’t going away right now.  I have to take all this shit and there is not enough hours in the day to take and its just overwhelming that this is what my life is right now.  My phone started ringing and I did not know the number.  I picked up and it was my good friend Ryan Van Cleve.  I haven’t seen Ryan in about a year, since he joined up with the army.  We talked for about an hour on the phone and it really changed my spirits.   I was so happy to talk to him and it really got me out of my depressive mood.  If your reading Ryan, THANKS BRO!!!!!