Long Way To Go……

I guess that I am really lost in my life right now. Maybe not lost but frustrated in life. Nothing is going my way. Everything I have been planning for in my future has to be re-arranged or put on hiatus because what has been going on. I feel like nothing I do is the right or correct decision. Simple comments from a random person like,” Are you happy?” makes me question everything about me. My ex girlfriend of only a couple of months seems foreign to me and I am so confused about I am scared to say anything to. My friends, my friends, who are my friends? I guess these are the things to expect when you have cancer. You get cancer which sucks, but not only does cancer happen but your relationships fall apart and the plans for your life are put on hold. Its like, “Matt Sayles,” your not just going to get screwed with cancer but your love life will blow up and your social life will be non existant. And I hate absolutely hate bitching about my life and complaining. I try and pride myself on a person that just takes everything in stride and you don’t hear bitch about life. So if this sounds like bitching than I am sorry, but I guess I just need to. Sometimes I am just sick of trying to be all strong and not let anything get to me all the time because its impossible for that to happen. It wil eventually get through.

With my friends? Am I the one to blame for
2011 was starting out to be a so much better year. Even thought I started the year with chemotherapy, the chemo was working. My scans were showing improvements. I was starting to feel better and stronger. I was going to the gym to work out. I started subbing at Midland Park, which was great to get out and work.

I have been constantly tackling this cancer thing as a bump in the road. Cancer will not bring me down. I will not let it get to me. Its just something that I got and that I now have to get through. My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. Just another bump in the road of my life, but shit man. How many things can just be another fucking bump in the road? How many more shitty things can happen to me without just ripping my spirits out. Can I really accept this as just another event in my life? Something that will make me stronger in the long run. Puts hair on your chest! It’s Life! No, its shitty and it hurts and its not fucking fair. When do I get a break? With life? Do things really have to get down deeper and deeper in that hole before it starts to climb back out. I guess things are just worse right now because what I have gone through in the past couple of weeks.

For the past month and half I have had some back pain. The spot of the pain is where I had some surgery, so we just assumed the pain is a result of that surgery. Well, the pain was not getting better, and we got a CT scan of the chest again. And again, the lungs are all good. Showing good response, but the docs noticed a lesion on my T1 vertebrae. We got an MRI scan of the spine and yes there is a lesion on my T1 vertebrae along with a fracture of that bone. So I literally have a broken back and a lesion there. We started a 10 day radiation treatment plan on the area. Radiation has worked great for me in the past on my saliva gland and my knee, so we think that the lesion will disappear and we are hoping that the fracture will heal on its own without surgery. So just some more shit to throw on my pile of shit called my life. I am in a neck and back cast that is pretty uncomfortable. Pain, is still there in my back. And I won’t even go into my on the spot vomiting for about a 2 weeks time for no apparent reason. I would just vomit out of nowhere. So far not a good summer.

The timing just sucks of it. Right in the beginning of summer. I was going to try and find a job and live up in Lake George all summer long. I was going to go to a couple of shows especially this week. Two Yonder shows, a couple of Furthur shows, and the Greyfox Bluegrass Music Festival, but those have to be post-poned because of my back. Things were going so well and then this shit started. Its just a roller coaster that will never be steady. It will constantly have ups and downs and never settle down. I have been saying that cancer is just a bump in the road of my life, but cancer is the road now. It is not a bump, it is the actual road and what I will have to be dealing with the rest of my life.

5 Comments

  1. Tom Demarco
    Posted July 18, 2011 at 1:03 am | Permalink

    Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

    Sorry your not feeling well dude you can not feel good sometimes its alright, thats normal for everyone trust me i know. Having a pain in the ass…err back totally sucks i know first hand that its no fun. I have a herniated disc in my lower back some days are better then others. Physical Therapy and the right exercises can make a huge difference in the way you feel with your back. I also know what its like to be out of work its no fun. Your girl left you that sucks dude relationships are over rated anyway. Keep fighting man its hard but you gotta do it, life is a fight from day 1 so your not alone were all fighting.

  2. Posted July 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Honestly Matt,
    I am sorry. But I have to agree with Tom here. Do not dwell in the past, your girl friend breaking up with you is a blessing. I know it sounds shitty but really, its the truth. You do Not want to be with someone who bails on you when shit goes down. You want to be with your best friend, lover and companion, now you know for a fact that this chick, was not those things so screw it, don’ t think twice about it. Same goes for your buddies.
    As for your back pain, take it one moment at a time. Yes the timing sucks, no argument there, but if I learned anything in life so far (and i have learned some stuff) is that life tends to be like a zebra, you have your dark spots and you have your lighter ones. You going to the gym and feeling better was a light one, currently you are on the dark, soon though you will be on the lighter part once more.
    There is a good saying i heard once, ” when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up”. New friends will come into your life, and nice ladies as well. Face what you have to face and I am certain you’ll meet some real friends along the way.

  3. Daren
    Posted July 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    Hey buddy. Life’s a real bitch for you right now cuz ur battling cancer. It’s a war and it’s nothing pretty and you’re damn right it’s not easy. I can’t begin to put myself in your place, but I’ve seen how you fight and I’ve seen how you win. You are my friend and I know you are struggling and hurting. But, even since this all started I’ve also seen you happy. The bump in the road may seem very large so that you can’t yet see the horizon, but it’s there and with it the road that is the rest of your life. Hang in there.

  4. Unca P
    Posted August 26, 2011 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    Hey Bra. I am sorry, truly, to read how down you’ve been for the past whiles. The Big C is a freak for most people who do have good hearts and long to say or do something supportive but then – have no reference, no perspective, and most of the time, the things people – well intentioned people, loving people, kind n’ caring folk, come up with sound pretty lame even to themselves – before a word is uttered. So they…say nothing.

    There’s an old joke in my little cult of folks who’ve chosen to stop committing suicide by drinking themselves to death one day at a time. It goes a bit like, “If you want to see if God has a sense of humour – make plans.”

    Sometime when folks say this, it’s funny. And sometimes, ( probably like right now ), you feel like reaching down their throat and pulling their lungs out to beat them senseless.

    “Life On Life’s Terms” is a big assed whopping huge dose. Sometimes, it’s too freakin’ amazing for mere words to hold – it’s that wonderful. And sometimes it’s so bone crunching, soul searing awful there seems to be no way out of the hell.

    Few people ever have the stones to say to someone battling cancer, “Dude, that must really fucking suck for you! That really fucking bites the hairy asshole!”

    The simple fact is, it fucking does suck and most truly does bite the big hairy fucking asshole. It’s a relentless bitchy assed cunt who doesn’t give a shit about you or your life or anything. I know a little bit of what this is like. A relative of this rat fuck disease nearly killed me and this year it’s killed four folks I knew personally. It does suck and it is unfair.

    On top of that, it really hits people in the character brisket. It’s easy to be friends with someone who’s healthy, on their own steam, doesn’t oblige them to look inside their own soul, you get the drift. And these same folks donate to causes, wear ‘kind’ clothes, think ‘green’, recycle, shop local, wear HOPE tee shirts, etc. It’s easy. Nothing at all to it.

    Then someone they know gets sick, gets cancer. And worse than that – has to keep battling it. Suddenly it’s all about them, their fears, their discomfort, THEIR plans getting disrupted.

    Many are called – few have the stones to answer. And you’re finding out now.

    On a slightly different tack, let me make this observation: You have met this foe with a level of dignity and grace that few could think to summon. To face this with such positive energy, with such a commitment to a positive spiritual force is amazing and humbling. BTW – your cancer hates you for it. That shit THRIVES on the negative waves and impulses that plague most folks. It empowers the shit out of it. Going for the good, keeping the focus on adapting, rolling with it, it like a kind of toxic poison to this shit. It hates life. It hates loves. It hates anything in the path of it’s mission to destroy. And it’s patient. It just wears a person down.

    I haven’t had a drink in nearly 12 years. You remember the hell my life was back then, the mess, the fall out. I’m not cured. It’s a reprieve. This thing I’ve got is still after me – every hour of every day. And I’ve got it easy.

    I also didn’t make by myself. Folks who don’t have this shit don’t have the first freakin’ idea of what it’s like. Until you have it, until you walk the walk, there’s no way to know. I’d have never been able to find the strength, the source power to re-charge myself without the help and the fellowship of those who’ve got what I have.

    So, my damie, Unca P sez find someone who has what you’ve got and talk the shit out. Straight out Bra – you and some others on the path you’re on right now can relate like no one else can. Those of us who don’t have it, can never ever really know. Those who do – do. And here’s the stone righteous miracle about it – when you crank it all out – you can end up laughing at this thing.

    “Khan! I’m laughing at the superior intellect!”

    Laughter, laughter at this thing, ridiculing it, mocking it, and moving forward in the solutions – as you have with such astounding courage and grace – Dude, this kind of negative shit HATES that spiritual charge up. Because your growth, power, and spirit rob it of it’s ability to harm you.

    So Bra, I wrote a bunch ‘cause I love you enough to risk some truth. I do love you and hope Sayles Stock II gets rocking. If you ever need anything, even a voice on the other end just to listen – call me.

    With a big Hug – Unca P.

  5. tim
    Posted August 29, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Permalink

    hey bro remember no matter what happens with your social life you will always me, dave, mom, dad and grace. thats the best part about having a loving family like we do. no matter you are going through we will still love you. nothing in the world will stop us from loving you, supporting you, and caring for you.

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