Long Way To Go……

I guess that I am really lost in my life right now. Maybe not lost but frustrated in life. Nothing is going my way. Everything I have been planning for in my future has to be re-arranged or put on hiatus because what has been going on. I feel like nothing I do is the right or correct decision. Simple comments from a random person like,” Are you happy?” makes me question everything about me. My ex girlfriend of only a couple of months seems foreign to me and I am so confused about I am scared to say anything to. My friends, my friends, who are my friends? I guess these are the things to expect when you have cancer. You get cancer which sucks, but not only does cancer happen but your relationships fall apart and the plans for your life are put on hold. Its like, “Matt Sayles,” your not just going to get screwed with cancer but your love life will blow up and your social life will be non existant. And I hate absolutely hate bitching about my life and complaining. I try and pride myself on a person that just takes everything in stride and you don’t hear bitch about life. So if this sounds like bitching than I am sorry, but I guess I just need to. Sometimes I am just sick of trying to be all strong and not let anything get to me all the time because its impossible for that to happen. It wil eventually get through.

With my friends? Am I the one to blame for
2011 was starting out to be a so much better year. Even thought I started the year with chemotherapy, the chemo was working. My scans were showing improvements. I was starting to feel better and stronger. I was going to the gym to work out. I started subbing at Midland Park, which was great to get out and work.

I have been constantly tackling this cancer thing as a bump in the road. Cancer will not bring me down. I will not let it get to me. Its just something that I got and that I now have to get through. My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. Just another bump in the road of my life, but shit man. How many things can just be another fucking bump in the road? How many more shitty things can happen to me without just ripping my spirits out. Can I really accept this as just another event in my life? Something that will make me stronger in the long run. Puts hair on your chest! It’s Life! No, its shitty and it hurts and its not fucking fair. When do I get a break? With life? Do things really have to get down deeper and deeper in that hole before it starts to climb back out. I guess things are just worse right now because what I have gone through in the past couple of weeks.

For the past month and half I have had some back pain. The spot of the pain is where I had some surgery, so we just assumed the pain is a result of that surgery. Well, the pain was not getting better, and we got a CT scan of the chest again. And again, the lungs are all good. Showing good response, but the docs noticed a lesion on my T1 vertebrae. We got an MRI scan of the spine and yes there is a lesion on my T1 vertebrae along with a fracture of that bone. So I literally have a broken back and a lesion there. We started a 10 day radiation treatment plan on the area. Radiation has worked great for me in the past on my saliva gland and my knee, so we think that the lesion will disappear and we are hoping that the fracture will heal on its own without surgery. So just some more shit to throw on my pile of shit called my life. I am in a neck and back cast that is pretty uncomfortable. Pain, is still there in my back. And I won’t even go into my on the spot vomiting for about a 2 weeks time for no apparent reason. I would just vomit out of nowhere. So far not a good summer.

The timing just sucks of it. Right in the beginning of summer. I was going to try and find a job and live up in Lake George all summer long. I was going to go to a couple of shows especially this week. Two Yonder shows, a couple of Furthur shows, and the Greyfox Bluegrass Music Festival, but those have to be post-poned because of my back. Things were going so well and then this shit started. Its just a roller coaster that will never be steady. It will constantly have ups and downs and never settle down. I have been saying that cancer is just a bump in the road of my life, but cancer is the road now. It is not a bump, it is the actual road and what I will have to be dealing with the rest of my life.